Q:

I need HELP with overcoming/owning a bit of an awkward Tinder situation.

Basically the backstory is I matched with this girl on tinder roughly four years ago, nosotros started chatting, and it was going well until she abruptly stopped replying. I let it get every bit a "she's probably just not interested." Fast frontward a year or ii, we match again, hitting it off well again with a brief conversation, but and then she pretty quickly stopped replying again… Never listen, I moved on and was sort of talking to someone else. Now fast forward another couple of years, and we've matched on tinder Once more. At this point I'1000 simply dislocated as to why she keeps matching with me if she doesn't want to proceed conversation. But the bad-mannered part of this all is that we've actually also been Facebook friends for 12+ years! I think we drunkenly met at a queer bar and added each other, and we've never communicated via Facebook or at all since merely we have occasionally throughout the years liked a mail of each others here and there. I feel similar I know her really well considering I've basically seen the concluding 12 years of her life through Facebook. I've ever found her super attractive and we have a lot of common interests based on our FB posts, just because she keeps ghosting me on Tinder I've never really pursued anything. At present that nosotros've matched on Tinder a tertiary time, I desire to reach out to her somehow merely in a way that might woo her a bit more our regular Tinder chat that hasn't seemed to keep her interest in the past. Her Tinder is pretty explicit that she's looking for a partner rather than anything more than coincidental. Seeking ideas and communication on how to really own this and non make it more awkward than it already is!

A:

This situation is indeed kind of bad-mannered, and the fact that the two of you lot have basically been circling each other for over a decade sounds like something out of a romantic comedy. Merely unfortunately, this is existent life, and I call up you have to permit go of this person for good. Her recurring appearance in your life is strange, just it's not necessarily meaningful. Exploring more meaningful connections and relationships will brand your romantic life much more satisfying!

If she were interested in dating yous, at that place have been so many opportunities for her to follow through on pursuing that. Online dating isn't new anymore, and however it's notwithstanding difficult to lock downward what certain things mean when it comes to people's behaviors on apps. Basically, everyone uses apps differently! It's possible this person just swipes pretty casually. A match in and of itself does not mean a commitment to anything more than. Recurring matching seems like it should mean something, but it might not at all. I desire you to take a happy, fulfilling dating life, and I remember you lot might be getting in your ain way by focusing so much on this person. Fifty-fifty though she states she's looking for a partner on Tinder, that likewise doesn't really change the state of affairs hither. All the matching and and so disappearing is hard to read, just she has a correct to use Tinder nonetheless she wants. And I honestly don't think it'south worth the endeavour to analyze and interpret the intentions of a stranger who has interacted with you somewhat inconsistently.

I know some people might disagree with me, but I don't really recall information technology's "ghosting" if you lot haven't met upwards/taken the connection beyond the app. You said yourself that the conversation ended pretty quickly in both instances. There are a million possible reasons she stopped replying. Some people are on multiple apps or also meeting people IRL. Some people just ebb and flow in the time and energy they requite to Tinder. Sometimes, people's capacity for online dating/chatting just changes. Ultimately, she doesn't owe yous an explanation. And ultimately, it's a futile mission to try to read her mind. In fact, I'yard avoiding whatever definitive statements almost what her behavior means, because I remember it could be whatsoever number of things, but more importantly, I think it doesn't even really matter when it comes to you lot and your life. I really, truly recollect you lot're better off letting become of her. Her pattern likely has to practise with her own stuff and nothing to do with you.

You say y'all desire help overcoming/owning an bad-mannered situation, but there's nothing really to ain here. No one has done annihilation wrong. As for the overcoming part, y'all shouldn't consider this situation a rejection. I think you lot should shift away from thinking your past conversations oasis't finer wooed her into thinking this is only not the right person for yous. You shouldn't have to fight to keep someone's involvement e'er in a relationship, merely peculiarly at the first.

I get she doesn't experience similar a stranger. Yous've talked. You've seen her life unfold on Facebook. I think those details coupled with her recurring advent on the app have maybe intensified the fashion you feel toward her. This happens a lot! It's like shooting fish in a barrel to projection onto people we barely know and romanticize our connection with them. It'southward easy to fantasize nearly the potential of someone and the potential of a relationship. But this person isn't the one that got away. Again, that concept is merely rom-com fantasy. Social media and dating apps don't paint a full pic of a person, and at the end of the twenty-four hour period, what do you lot really know about her subsequently a couple cursory chats? I understand you want a take chances to become to know her better, just if she wanted the same, information technology probable would have happened already. I remember you should focus your free energy on talking to people who want to talk to you. At that place are other people out in that location who will be thrilled to keep the conversation going.

You lot can chime in with your communication in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Kayla

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian author of essays, short stories, and pop civilization criticism living in Miami. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her brusk stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can exist constitute at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cutting, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

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